Losing Your Memory Now
by Suituup
Summary: They lost one of their own. Erin doesn't know if Kelly is ever going to recover for it, nor does Casey if Gabby ever will. The first step is the funeral. Shay's relationship with the boys through memories. Erin/Severide, Casey/Dawson, Shay/Severide, Shay/Everyone.


I can't even begin on how angry I am about Shay's death. I watched the episode yesterday, and by the end of it, I was a mess. Thank God my roommate didn't see me crying in front of my computer, that would have been embarrassing. Anyway, as soon as I had finished watching the episode, I started writing this, and here it is.

It's a parrallel to my other story Never Let Me Go. It mainly focuses on Kelly withside Erin because they're living together. Main centric around them but also other characters' relationship with Shay. Dawsey as well.

* * *

><p>There are moments in life, when you think that everything is going great, that it could not get any better even if you tried. At that moment, if Erin thought about it, she would tell you that her life was pretty great. She had a steady job, a steady relationship, and great friends. She could not be more grateful.<p>

But in those moments the wheel can turn quite easily. And that's what happened. She heard Antonio's phone ring, saw him pull it out of his pocket and said something about it being a call from his new brother-in-law, to tell him that Gabby had said yes.

She heard him greet him as his 'new bro', and then saw his smile fade away. She assumed something had happened to Gabby, and stood up in concern, letting him finish before asking any questions.

Finally he hung up, and he looked at her solemnly "What is it?" She asked, afraid to speak the words.

"Um, Leslie Shay died on the scene this afternoon," He muttered, before pinching the bridge of his nose. "Shit, I have to go see Gabby."

Erin felt her bottom lip tremble and she had a hard time finding her voice. "Shay is dead?"

She heard about that moment when you think you are about to die, you see your life flash before your eyes. Right then all her memories about Shay were flashing before hers, and it was overwhelming.

Then, she thought about Kelly and she couldn't even put into words what she thought he might be feeling right now. Before she could even begin to think about what she should do, Voight got out of his office to tell the whole team they had a lead, and she followed them all out of the unit.

When she got home to hers and Kelly's apartment, she quietly set the keys on the kitchen counter and slipped out of her jacket, spotting Kelly on the couch. He was looking at a framed picture, and she knew which one it was, the one of him and Shay goofing around during shift.

"Hey," she murmured, slowly approaching him. He barely acknowledged her and she sat on the couch, tucking her legs underneath herself. "Casey called Antonio during our shift, I wanted to come to the hospital but we had a suspect to chase, I'm so sorry."

His eyes stayed glued on the picture, "It wouldn't have changed anything. There was no hospital, she was pronounced... dead on the scene. S-she got hit by a beam during the explosion."

Erin didn't say anything, partly because she didn't know what to say, and partly because she was scared her voice might waver so badly she wouldn't be able to speak clearly. So instead, she took his hand and brought it to her lips, kissing his palm before intertwining their fingers together.

Finally, he looked at her, and she felt her heart ache upon seeing the tears riming in his eyes. She cupped his face with one hand, her thumb stroking his cheek.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered, also feeling her eyes sting. "Is there anything I can do?"

He chocked back a sob and looked up toward the ceiling, willing the tears to go away. "She was my best friend. I was the only family that she had. She had shitty parents, two shitty girlfriends, she deserved much more than that. I-I told her that I would take of her. That I would always be there for her. And now she's dead... I failed at the only thing I had promised her, Erin. She's gone."

Erin closed the gap between them and pulled her into her arms, letting him bury his face in the crook of her neck. His shoulders shook within the weight of his sobs and she too felt tears moisten her cheeks.

"It's not your fault," Erin murmured. "You hear me, Kelly? It's not your fault." She pulled away, cupping his face to make sure he was really looking at her. "It was an accident."

He nodded his head. It was an accident. Just like Darden. He was not sure he could even bear walking through the hall where he knew her picture would be hung.

That night, Erin was woken up by Kelly shuffling around in their bed. She heard him stand up, getting clothes on, and she decided to stop feigning sleep when he was about to leave the room.

"Where are you going?" she asked softly, turning to face him.

"I can't stay here, I need some air,"

She watched him go, heard the door being slammed and his car roaring outside of their building. It wasn't until two more hours before he came back, and she could smell the alcohol when he laid down next to her.

"Hey," Erin whispered as she walked into their room. It had been two days since Shay's death, and that day was the funeral. Kelly stood in front of the mirror, fiddling with his tie. "We need to go."

He caught her look in the mirror and shook his head. "I-I can't get this right."

She walked over to stand in front of him and took hold of the tie, quickly making a simple knot. "There," She leaned up to place a quick kiss on his lips. "We're going to be late. Casey is waiting for us downstairs."

"Right," Kelly muttered. He ran a hand through his hair, put his uniform hat on and took a deep breath before following her out.

It was a beautiful summer day, with a light breeze and the leaves on the trees would make the slightness of noise over the pastor's voice. Kelly and Gabby sat in the first row, with on each of their side Erin and Casey.

Kelly barely registered what was said. His eyes stuck to the white casket in front of him.

The rest of the team stood behind them, all dressed in their uniform. Otis stood on the far right.

"_Hey, I have a question," Otis said after Shay had said goodbye to one of her conquests. She turned around and raised an eyebrow. "Tell me your secret." _

"_That's not a question then," She pointed out, walking over to the couch where he was sitting. _

"_How do you get so many girls?" He asked. "I mean, I try, boy do I try, it never works." _

_She laughed and sat on the couch, facing him. "Maybe you try too much. The key is to be subtle. You don't wanna seem too eager. If you see a woman you like, you manage to lock eyes with her for a short while. Like, three seconds. Then, you look away. You do the same a minute later. And you look away. One more time, and if she smiles and battles her eyelashes, then, you can walk over and ask her if she wants a drink."_

_She demonstrated her master plan, and he actually felt a chill run down all the way down his spine. "Wow, just like that?" _

_She patted his shoulder and stood up, "Just like that." _

"_Hey," He called out as she walked away. She stopped and turned around. "Now that you've told me your secret, aren't you afraid that I might get all the girls?"_

"_Please," she scoffed. "Have you seen my body?" She joked, and walked up the stairs. _

_Well, he could no deny her that. _

Otis stiffened and he clenched his jaw as the memory came back to him. He swallowed hard and let out a breath. On his left, Cruz patted him on the back, as if sensing his pain.

"_I fold," Mouch announced, dropping his cards face down on the table. Cruz raised his eyebrows and grabbed two coins. _

"_I'm in," He said, looking at Otis. Otis pursed his lips and shook his head. _

"_Nah, I fold." _

_Shay chuckled and grabbed a handful of coins. "Cruz, I see your fifty cents and raise you 5 dollars." _

"_Woaw," He said. "I thought the limit was 1 dollar." _

_Shay took a swing of tequila and said, "Well I've just been through a break-up so if I wanna raise five dollars, I'm raising five dollars." _

"_Alright," He said, holding up his hands. He looked at his cards. "I see your five dollars, and raise you 10." _

_Shay smiled. Everybody had folded, even Severide, who was known to be a poker pro. They all shared looks upon seeing the amount of money that was being played. "I see your 10 dollars, and raise you twenty. What do you got?" _

_He set his cards down, revealing a Straight. Shay smiled evilly then, and set her cards, a full house. She gasped and did a victory dance right then, and it was the happiest they had seen her in a while._

Cruz was pulled out of his reverie when the pastor asked Severide to come up to make his speech. He cleared his throat and looked up to the sky.

"It's a beautiful day today, and Shay would have called it a perfect day to tan on the roof top of our building," This caused everyone to laugh half-heartedly. "She was the kind of person who would brighten the day just by being here, making jokes and bragging. She was the kind of person you would always count on to be honest with you, and help you through the worst. And the kind of person who would shut herself down not to be a burden to everybody when she went through her worst. She was selfless and strong and I know she considered all of us as her only family. And she was the best friend I could have ever asked for." He took a deep breath and looked down at the casket, "This is to you Shay, and to all the days that we have spent together as a family. Always."

He sat down then, and Erin took his hand, waving their fingers together. Gabby had dissolved into quiet sobs and was unable to do her speech, as Casey tried to comfort her as best as he could.

"_It's Casey, right?" Shay asked, catching him in one of the hallways. It was her first day at 51, so he didn't know her at all, but she seemed like a nice person. _

"_Yeah, and you're Leslie Shay," He said with an honest smile. _

"_Just Shay," she clarified. "So what's going on with you and Dawson?" _

_Well, that was bold. _

_Casey feigned ignorance, although he felt his heart pick up in pace. "What do you mean?" _

_Shay rolled her eyes and shrugged. "I know you like her."_

"_Um, okay," he said, confused. _

"_You should ask her out," She said, patting his shoulder. _

"_What if she turns me down?" _

_Shay pursed her lips. "Life is too short for what ifs, lieutenant Casey."_

An American flag was folded and set on her casket, along with flowers, and the trumpets sounded in the valley.

Everybody paid their respects, and they all agreed to go have a drink at Molly's in honor of Shay.

"_I'm telling you, a Lesbian night will totally make the benefits plummet," Herrmann said while walking into the bar on one of their days off. _

"_What are you talking about?" Shay asked as she walked in behind him, her arms full of supplies. "This is genius. We're gonna have a steady, regular costumer base. And I think that was part of the deal when I invested into this place." _

_He sighed. "Right, whatever. Lesbian night it is." _

"_Yay!" She screeched and threw her arms around him. "You're not gonna regret this." _

She had been right. Every Thurday night was Lesbian night at Molly's, and the profit had gone up. Herrmann sighed as he poured yet another drink and brought the tray to the main table.

"I remember when she wanted me to teach her some recipes for one of her date nights, it had been a disaster!"

"_Okay, let me taste it," Mills requested once Shay had pulled the cake out of the oven. Shay looked at him nervously as he took a bite and made a weird face. He put his hand in front of his mouth and swallowed the bite. "It's... not that bad. A little bit salty," _

_Shay shook her head and laughed after finishing her bite. "This is a disaster! I followed the recipe by the letter though, I don't know what's gone wrong." _

"_How much salt did you put in it?" _

"_A dash, like it's said in the recipe!" _

_He grabbed the pot of salt and handed it to her. "Show me," _

_His eyes widened when she poured a lot of salt in her hand. "That's- that's a handful!" _

_She hung her head and laughed at herself, shrugging her shoulders. "I never cook!" _

"_Oh boy," he muttered. "Let's start over." _

Everyone shared a chuckle when Mills was done telling the story, and Clarke smiled before taking a swing of his beer. He remembered clearly the day he had walked Shay back home after Darryl's incident.

"_Hey Shay," He called out, running a little bit to catch her up. She was walking home after a drink at Molly's. "How you're doing?" _

"_I'm okay," She said looking at the ground and burying her hands in her pockets. _

"_Do you lie to everybody like that or is it just me?" he asked, grabbing her arm to stop her. Her blue eyes bore into his. Then she buried her face in her hands and started crying. He pulled her into his arms and she clung to him, sobbing into his chest. _

"_I see his face all the fucking time," she whispered, pulling away from him. "I can't escape it, I have nightmares and I can't sleep anymore. I can't do my job properly, I-I.." _

"_Hey, it's okay," he told her, taking hold of her arms. "You've been through a trauma. It's going to be alright." _

_He pulled out his wallet and gave her a card. "This is my therapist number. He's great. I'm sure he'll be able to help you." _

_She took the cards between her fingers and looked at him. "Thanks, Jeff." _

"_No problem," he said. "I'll walk you home." _

"You alright man?" He felt a pat on his shoulder and was pulled out of his thoughts. He looked at Casey and nodded his head.

"Yeah, just thinking."

His gaze moved on to Gabby, who was serving at the bar, probably to avoid thinking about her lost friend. But it was not working, it was never going to work out. Not without her.

"_Hey Gabby," Shay murmured as she walked in the resting room. Gabby was sat on the bed, staring into space. Shay sat in front of her and waited for the brunette to say something. _

"_He asked her to marry him," She whispered, avoiding her friend's eyes. She looked down at the blanket and let out a wavering breath. "I-I thought we had something special." _

_Shay closed her eyes briefly and scooted closer. "You did, you still do. I don't know why he did this but... I guess you deserve better than him, Dawson. You deserve the best." _

_Gabby shook her head. "Maybe not. Maybe I was just imagining things. Maybe he never liked me." _

_Shay forced Gabby to look at her. "That's bullshit. But who cares about Casey? You are going to find someone better, Gabby. You are going to find a man who will love your fierceness, who will admire your courage and who will be great in bed." _

_Gabby chuckled and wiped at her eyes. "And if not, then you can always switch teams." The brunette shoved her away and Shay laughed before wrapping her arms around her friends and hugging her tight. "But I'm still Team Dawsey. I think I'll always be. I mean, your babies would be gorgeous. And of course I'll be the godmother." _

Realization dawned onto Gabby that Shay would never be able to meet she and Casey's children, nor be their godmother. Her fingers started to shake, and the glass she had been wiping fell from her hands, crashing onto the floor.

Everyone's eyes were on her in an instant, and she choked back a sob before fleeing the room by the back door. The back alley was dark, only lit by a single light, but she did not care. The cool air only brought a relief for an instant, before the pain in her chest was too strong to be bearable.

"Gabby," She heard her fiancée's voice a few feet away from her but did not quite register it, as the space around her begin to swim back and forth. She turned around and looked at Matt.

"Sh-She's never going to meet our-our children," She spat out between sobs, and knelt down on the concrete, unable to breath. Casey rushed to her and pulled her upright, not caring that he was probably ruining the slacks of one of his best tuxedos.

"Hey, hey," He took hold of her arms and his blue eyes filled with worry.

"S-she was s-supposed to be their godmother," She cried out, holding herself with both her arms. "She's gone! I can't-I c-can't breathe."

"Gabby, Gabby! Listen to me," Matt cupped her face and forced her to look at him. "You need to breathe. Take deep breaths, in and out." Gabby did as he was told and her panic began to dissolve. "We lost Shay. We lost a great friend and a part of our family. But we need to stay strong and united through this."

"I made her trade places," She mumbled against his chest and he was not quite sure he had understood correctly.

"What?"

Gabby pulled away and yet another sob escaped her throat. "I made her trade place w-with me s-so she could see if she could do it on her own. I-I was the one in her place and I made her switch. What if-"

"No." Casey interrupted firmly, shaking his head. "You don't get to say what if. You don't. It happened, and it was an accident. It was an _accident_." He repeated, pulling her against him. He dropped a kiss onto her hair and did not let go until she stopped crying.

* * *

><p>"What do you want to do with all her clothes?" Erin asked as she came down the stairs with yet another box.<p>

It was a Saturday, and she had the day off so they both went to Shay and Severide's former apartment to clear out her things.

She didn't get any response, so she set the box on the table and slowly walked when her boyfriend was currently standing; in front of the TV watching a tape. A tape of Shay. The voice of the blonde came out of the speaker.

"_Yeah," _

"_Is that it? Any other rules?"_ Kelly's own voice could be heard.

"_Just one,"_ she said. _"That we promise to be there for each other. Always. No matter what." _

"_Always." _

"_Always." _

The tape came to an end, and Kelly hung his head low, closing his eyes, letting the tears fall freely. Lindsay, who had kept her distance, closed the gap between them and pulled him into her arms.

"I miss her," He whispered into her hair, burying his face in the crook of her neck.

"I know," she murmured. "I know."

"_What's up, girl?!" Shay said as she saw Erin approach the counter. _

"_What do you mean?" Erin feigned innocence, but she knew she was busted. _

"_Erin, you've got a face eating grin and I know it has something to do with Severide. So spill," _

_Erin sighed and sat on the stool in front of the blonde. Shay poured her a scotch and waited. "I think I'm in love with your best friend." _

"_Yes!" Shay fist pumped. "I knew it! I should definitely open a marital agency. I think I missed my call here." _

"_Ha ha," Erin feigned laughter. "But I'm afraid to say it. What if he doesn't say it back?" _

_Shay scoffed. "Please. You've got him hooked since your first kiss. That night he came home wearing with the biggest smile that I had seen in a while. He was almost giddy. You two are good for each other. And who knows, when you have babies I might be the godmother." _

_Erin narrowed her eyes. "Haven't you already told Dawson that?" _

"_Dammit!" She cursed. "Well, I can't help it that I'm so loved and trusted." _

When they were done moving her things out, they gave off her clothes to Good Will and went home. Severide set the pictures he wanted to keep on the shelf by the TV and put The Contract DVD in one of the drawers.

Erin came up behind him and looked at a photo of him and Shay making faces. "That's a good picture. You look handsome," She joked, and smiled when he did.

"Yeah. It was... four years ago, when Shay moved in."

"_Anymore boxes?" Kelly asked as he came back into the living room. _

"_Nope, all done!" Shay said enthusiastically. "Thanks for all your help! I would still be unpacking those freakin' boxes if it weren't for you." _

_He opened the fridge and pulled out two beers. "No problem. Beer or tequila?" _

_She placed her hands on her hips and glared at him. "It's 5 pm! Way too early for tequila. But I will definitely accept that beer." _

"_Of course you would," He said, and uncapped both bottles, handing one to her. "To us, new roomies." _

_She clinked her bottle against his. "To us!" She took a swig and set her bottle down. "You know what? We should take a picture. That we should frame and put over the threshold, with a Christian saying about friendship underneath it." _

_He cocked an eyebrow. "You're kidding, right?" _

_She burst into laughter. "Of course I'm kidding. No but it would be a nice picture for you to remember what a great decision you've made to accept me as your roommate!"_

_He chuckled, moving next to her as she raised her Polaroid camera in front of them. "No funny faces," she told him, and pressed the button. The picture came out, and she looked at it a minute later. _

_Both of them had made funny faces, and in that moment, Kelly realized he had found the perfect roommate. _

* * *

><p>It took them all a year to finally let go of the pain Shay's death had caused them, and Kelly had accepted to go back to work only two months after the tragedy. Dawson and Casey had gotten married a year and a half after, and it was a simple yet beautiful wedding, although they had all felt Shay's absence.<p>

Just like she had dreaded it last year, Erin tiptoed around the apartment when she got home that day.

"Hey," Kelly said as he walked out of the bedroom and into the kitchen. He leaned in and gave her a greeting kiss.

"Hi," she murmured, inhaling his scent. "Are you going to the cemetery today?"

"Yeah. I have to um, buy flowers."

Erin watched him cautiously. She cupped his face and cocked her head to the side. "Are you okay?"

He nodded his head to reassure her. "Yeah. It's just.. it's been two years."

"I know," she whispered. "And I am very proud of you for pulling through it. Losing a best friend is one of the saddest things, and you pulled through."

"I don't know how I would have done it without you. Before Shay, I had nobody to lean on, then there she was, and then you showed up and I've been stuck with you ever since."

He smiled then, and brought his fiancée closer. Erin chuckled and wrapped her arms around his neck. "I'll take that as a compliment. Shay would be proud, she shipped us."

He furrowed his eyebrows. "She shipped us?"

"Yeah, I remember that night when I got to Molly's and she asked me what was going on with me because I was apparently glowing. Anyway, she made me spill that I thought I was in love with you. I think we had been dating for three months at that time."

"Oh yeah?" he asked with a lopsided smile.

"Yeah, and that I was afraid you might not love me back. And she did a small victory dance."

She decided to leave the part where Shay had called dibs on godmother out, deciding she did not want him to go through this as Dawson had.

"Sounds like her. You were afraid that I wouldn't love you back?" he asked in amusement. "I literally borrowed something from you so that I could be able to bring it back to you and ask you out."

"Technically you did not ask me out that day, you just kissed me."

"Whatever. I need to go," he said. He bent down and pecked her lips. "Love you."

"Love you too," she called out before he walked through the door.

Since what had happened to Shay, Erin and Kelly would never part ways without saying I love you. Both their jobs were dangerous and everyday was the same; they had no guaranty they would come home in the evening.

A year later he went back to the cemetery with Erin that time.

"Hey Shay," he said, "I want you to meet your godson, Andrew Shay Severide. He was born three days ago. 6 lbs and 9 ounces, he's perfect. And I promise I will only tell him funny stories about you."

Erin smiled and set a rose on top of the stone before reaching her arms out to take their son. She went for a walk then, leaving Kelly sometime on his own.

"I'm a dad, Shay. Who would have thought that? Certainly not you when you first met me. I am the happiest man on earth right now, I have my own family. I so wish you were still around to see it, and be the cool godmother." He took a deep breath. "But you're not, and I am angry at the world because I miss you like hell. It's been three years and there's not a day when I don't think about you, or how it could be if you were still around." He kissed his fingers and set them onto the cool stone. "I love you."

He touched the stone once more as he always did, and stood up, spotting his family waiting for him at the entrance. He shot one last look at the grave and walked away.

_Leslie Shay _

_Beloved friend _

_01.18.1981-05.14.2014_


End file.
